Hello world!

As a new blogger, please excuse probably a large amount of errors. I am typically a private person but there are certain subjects that just need an outsiders view as much as possible.

     For most people, the subject of molesting is uncomfortable. I had kept the secret for 45yrs. Why you may ask, because the abuser was my great grandfather who my mother hero worshipped. Even at age 7 I knew that much. He was very good at insuring I would not tell. He said, “if you tell your mom, she won’t believe you and will be so mad at you”. Now, understand that I already was in precarious area of being middle child who was extremely shy. When my younger brother was born 5yrs after me, I more or less, ceased to exist where my mother was concerned. Not saying she was bad to me, just did not notice me…same with my dad apparently cause I remember a lot of their arguements. My parents fought from morning till bedtime which I thought was normal, until I started going to various friends homes and it was so quiet.

     We weren’t allowed to have company because our house was a disaster. Even as a young child I knew that was not normal from staying at my grans or aunts houses.  Now, as a menopausal woman who is also now disabled..have looked back on it over last two yrs. My mother and I had a rift over my older brother, who I had cut off all ties to him. She never asked my side..she didn’t want to know I guess because then just maybe, he might have been wrong. Now, keep in mind my brother was an ex heroin junkie,, and ex con for 3 yrs after he had 4 kids he grew pot in his dang yard for crying out loud.  He was a manipulative verbal bully. I had done for him all my life, I am guessing for my mothers approval. This particular fight,was that last straw that broke me forever. He learned the manipulation from my mom and she was a pro at it. Thats reason she and my dad fought all the time, both strong personalities and neither would budge. Over the years she kept him in line doing for my adult brothers and their kids with the threat she would up and move back north and live with her sisters. My dad couldnt stand the thought of living alone. But as her norm, everything in the world that is wrong, was my dads fault. He was no better though as he talked to her like a dog. I still have trouble comprehending how it all started but they should of divorced decades ago. My dad passed away 3 yrs ago.

     My mother has told me on many occasions that she had wanted only boys. Never in anger but like it was just a normal piece of conversation to have with your daughter but that was how our relationship was. No problems as long as I kept quiet more or less. It was pretty easy to know just what path and personality would not make her mad. I was terrified she would hate me. So, the secret of my molestation was buried…till an arguement while I was in the bathtub..mother called me and somehow got us on the subject..still don’t have a clue how we got on subject of him because I had not spoke to him for over a year at this time. All I remember her yelling at me was, “what have you never been able to say..what have you never been able to say cause I was too busy with your brothers?”..and after 45 yrs I blurted it out. Silence then she cried please tell me it wasn’t anyone we know”..she said that twice but I did tell her the truth. Then she was wailing she wanted to die etc. She turned it into all about her as usual. I didnt even recognize my own voice as I cried begging her to not be mad at me, telling her I was sorry. It sounded like a little girls voice. then the phone was dead. I called  her back and no answer. Second time when she didnt answer I left a message that if she didn’t call me back I would call Gary (my brother that she lived with) and have him go home. Well she called me back pronto then. I was concerned she would hurt herself. She told me she was fine in a very tight cold voice. SO ..I ended the convo and told her I would call her the next day.

     She wouldn’t answer my calls for 3 days. Never…during any of our conversations did she ask me how I was doing..never not one word of comfort. You would have to be a total ignoramous not to know how much I was suffering. So…I emailed my brother gary telling him all about this..was really wanting to use his shoulder to cry on..not to fix things. It was not a conversation I  had ever had with my husband and really didnt need it all coming out to whole world till I recovered from this episode. His email reply was this…I realize you are very bored but mom is 70 and doesn’t need your drama. Leave her alone. I was like WTF..who would say stuff like that out of friggin boredom??? So..raging I called my mom and told her just what I thought of that email and from then on they could delete my phone number and live in peace without me. Well tbh, it has been very peaceful since their abandonment..that was until my older brother passed away at age 54. The information I was getting was from my nephew who is 22. He was more or less sneaking the info to me. His dad had already wanted him to take me off his friends list on facebook. I had never ever brought up any of this to him or any of my nieces and nephews. My older brothers daughters and son knew I wasn’t speaking to their dad but they didnt think much of it since they weren’t either..and that was how he wanted it…ya deceased or not he was a real bastard.

     Anyhoo it ws made clear to me that I was not wanted at the hospital. He was there I think 8 days and was starting to make improvements this one day..next day I find out on facebook he had died when my mother and brother had been 4 miles from my house and could of stopped to tell me. Then they plan on a family get together at my youngers brother house..not funeral home..and I was not welcome at his house then they blast me on facebook cause I didn’t go to either. OMG talk about taking a beating..so I answered it finally when my nephew was attacking me..my husband and my sons with horrible disgusting pms all I could think of was what the hell was my mother saying???. My nephew and I had a decent relationship till this.  I was crushed by all of it. I had to get my doctor to change my antidepressant. Anyhoo they pushed me too far when I answered them publicly..that I ws tired of the lies they were telling..I was tired of being treated like a criminal because omg I was molested ..then put my great grandfathers name and that I dared to tell me mother. My aunt chided me that facebook was not the place nor time for that. I said I agreed but I was tired of being put down for my crime of being a victim for 45 yrs so that everyone else felt fine instead of me. I wanted to make it public because then it would never again haunt me. And it hasnt but then again the “episode” even as a little girl I knew that he was in the wrong..but also knew my mother only had eyes for my younger brother at that time. I didn’t realize till all this just how horribly dysfunctional my family was.

     I then did a juvenile stunt..of which I am  not proud of, copied the disgusting vile pms his son had sent me. Telling me that I was a worthless yadd yadda lots swear words. That he wished I would die and get off societies back..I became disabled 2003. Then stuff about my hubs and my sons. I copied it all and pasted in emails to every family member on my list. I later sent emails in an apology for my juvenile behavior. My brother was enraged to say the least  ..saying it was a friggin contest etc. I replied no it wasn’t but nor was I going to hide what was the truth. That he and my mother had so turned this boy against me for nothing more than refusing to be a verbal punching bag for any of them. I have no clue what my mother has been saying but my God it has to be horrid.

     I think on a certain level my mother loved me as much as she could but she didnt like me unless I followed a certain behavior pattern. I was very good at it too. While I really do not want to “get back with” them but I want help in understanding why they have beat me up over all this? Why would a mother not give even one phoney word of comfort?

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